i made french fries, ate one french fry tasted like shit threw the rest out. nothing but water so far, really dont want to go on a walk, to depressed today. but i have to walk.

i hate mothers day.  my mom is in PA while im in NY and i called her and all she wants to do is get off the phone, it makes me sick. PLUS mothers day sucks cause its a reminder of what happend to me on may 12, 2001 (the day before mothers day). i was sexually molested by my stepfather that day and now every mothers day i am reminded of that. the sexual abuse was going on long before that but he never touched me there until that day.

when he actual touched me i weighed 87lbs i was 5'1". ever since that day i had a weight problem thinking that if a was over weight i would be safe from that ever happening again. now that i am older i realize that my weight cannot be my security anymore and i can not hide behind it, i want to be beautiful again. and i will do whatever it takes to be beautiful.

love you all, will write more later,
hannah

EDIT

well i went for my walk. which was horrible cause its so fucking cold outside and my left ankle is killing me. then i went to work from 3-8. and at 10 im going out to party with amber!

Completely blew my diet this morning. i had pancakes, they were so good. and i didnt go for a walk yet because my legs are killing me. they are so tight. i want to sleep all day long.

love you
hannah

EDIT

i went for a 3 mile walk with my dog which made me walk faster :)  then i did some ab exercises and i can actually feel my abs, its been awhile. amber is coming over to say hi with some of her friends (i dont like them i dont find that whole i think im so "gangstA" shit cool. its like a true gangstERs are in pinstripes tommy guns and fedoras, dont fuck with them.) so we'll see how that goes i need cigarettes so bad!!!!  i have 2 left till thursday they'll be gone tonight. :(
love you
hannah

EDIT

so instead of gangstas coming over she brought rednecks. i swear amber has so many mixed friends. my abs are on fire. went to cohoes to see my moms boyfriends parents, his son nick came by. and thats all that happened. Oh i ate ice cream kill me please!

 i wok up later than i wanted this morning. 9:40 i wanted to be up at 7. oops. i have decided that i am going to start taking my adderall again because it helps with the appetite. so i took my adderall this morning and my zyrtec. drank half bottle of water went for a 3 mile walk, in an hour and 5 min! when i got back home i drank the rest of the bottle of water then went outside did some exercises which made me throw up that half bottle of water, but not my pills thank god. haven't eaten anything yet trying to go through the day with only water and a granny smith apple for my dessert. i also cleaned the bathroom, did two loads of laundry, folded the clothes, did dishes, put them away, got a FREEZING COLD shower, and did my hair and makeup.   i got a call from my mom last night. she proposed having a friendly "who can lose more weight in 2 weeks" competition.  last night i was up to 215 lbs, and now i am at 205 lbs. if i win she and i go get manicures and pedicures together (she pays) and if she wins than i have to cook ahi tuna dinner for her. cause her diet is consisting of tuna fish cellery and carrots, my diet is water. i think i have a good shot at winning this thing but im going to need all the support i can get. so if anyone wants to wake up early and go on a 3 mile walk everyday with me. than let me know. cause i do not know anyone around here i can go walking with or that will support me with my diet. text me your xanga name and your real name to 610-613-0326 if you want to do this with me. please it would be so great if a had some buddies to do this with.

i love you all

hannah

EDIT

went to work which was okay the adderall is so weird i feel like im in another world a slow moving very focused world. drank water all day no food yet!!! im going to have an apple for dinner. really want to win this compotition with my mom. seeing as thought she wont be here on mothers day i will still cook her her winning meal of ahi tuna as my gift to her. and if i lose well then ill have to think of my gift for her. i weighed myself when i got home and i am at 205 which is the same as when i left im just going to keep working out in the morning, drinking water, eating an apple a day, and taking my adderall, cause all temptation seems to dissapear when i take it. i want to start taking diet pills but i dont know which ones really work so if you have any suggestions feel free to let me know. i dont know if i have told you guys but my goal weight is 125- 107. and i need to lose this weight fast. i feel so ugly but right now i couldnt be happier with what i have accomplished today. maybe ill start walking when i get home from work too but not today my feet are killing me.

love you all,

hannah

EDIT

went on a walk 1.5 miles. got picked up by my friend/co-worker dan. and stuff happened.  :) hes happy now. I really like him a lot. well anyways when i got home i weighed my self again. 103 baby. i love today.